


Reflections in the Dark

by basildarling (thespiderbaby)



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, British Comedy, Canon Gay Character, Emotionally Repressed, M/M, Mood Whiplash, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Slash, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love, descriptions of a violent film but not enough for me to put it as a warning, hugh grant appreciation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespiderbaby/pseuds/basildarling
Summary: A trip to the cinema causes Ralph to have some deep reflections about him and Ted, and further cements his dislike of gory films.
Relationships: Ralph Mayhew/Ted
Comments: 10
Kudos: 8





	Reflections in the Dark

The cinema wasn’t Ted's idea of a fun day out, but after Ralph had insisted that they do something fun together on Ted's day off, he had agreed. He usually didn't fancy the thought of sitting for hours in a dark room, full of other people who chatted through the whole film, but at least Ralph wasn’t insisting on some strange subtitled French film that neither of them would actually understand. No, this week, after whittling the list of films down to two, Ralph had given Ted ultimate power over the final decision. They had both agreed that there was an awful lot of rubbish out at the moment; Ted had spent ages deliberating, and between  _ Ten Days to Find Love  _ and  _ The Bloodening,  _ he was inclined to pick the latter. His friends had mentioned it in the pub a few days ago, and it sounded alright. No plot as such, but there was a decent amount of violence and gore, it seemed. He'd take that over the awkwardness of watching a soppy romantic comedy with Ralph any day.

Of course, Ted hadn’t told Mark and Simon that he was going to the cinema with Ralph. He knew how they’d react. They’d never shut up about ‘the date of the century.’ Anyway, Ted told himself, this wasn’t a date. He was simply spending time with Ralph outside of the lower field. Nothing wrong with having a fun break from work once in a while. In fact, he welcomed a chance to put his feet up for the afternoon. Besides, the cinema was an ideal place to go; it was dark, and Ted would be spared from yet another pained conversation with Ralph. But a part of Ted thought that maybe this would be it, that Ralph would finally confess his feelings, the feelings that Ted knew about, but knew it wasn’t his place to mention them. If only Ralph would conjure up the confidence, all this could be over and done with, but then again, he'd never been known to take the lead in anything. And the cinema was hardly the most romantic setting for it. 

_ No _ , Ted reassured himself. There was no point in worrying about anything like that. 

***

“Are we all set, Ted?” Ralph asked. “Ready to go?”

“I’ve put some snacks in the car, sir. We don’t want to be paying more than necessary for popcorn.”

Ralph looked puzzled at this. “Yes, well, uh...very well, Ted.” He climbed into the passenger seat and folded his hands neatly in his lap. 

Ted started the car and the pair's awkward silence began. Ralph tapped his feet absent-mindedly to the song playing on the radio and looked out of the window at the scenery whizzing by. Finally, he spoke.

“Do you know who's in this film, Ted?” 

“Not a clue, sir. Though I know Hugh Grant's in yer rom-com one.” 

“Hugh Grant, yes,” Ralph mused on this for a moment. “Do you...do you like Hugh Grant, Ted?”

Ted made a face. “I wouldn’t know about that, sir. He’s not really in the kind of films I enjoy.”

“I think he’s really rather good. Especially in  _ Maurice-  _ that really was an enthralling performance. One of my favourite films when I was at college, and I can't tell you how many times I read the book. I dreamed of having… a… erm, a...hairstyle like his. Although I must say, the fellow who played the under-gamekeeper, Scudder, I mean, Alec Scudder, was my favou-" Ralph realised what he was saying and quickly moved the conversation on. "Of course, Hugh Grant was excellent in  _ Paddington 2 _ , Ted. There really is not anything the man cannot do!" 

The rest of the journey passed in silence, with Ralph occasionally turning to look at Ted, as if he wanted to start up a conversation, but then thought better of it. Instead, he went back to looking out of the window. As Ralph watched the trees race past, he thought about trying to ask Ted something, so they wouldn't have to fester in this awkward silence. He couldn’t think of anything appropriate, though, so settled for drumming his fingers on the armrest. 

“Good weather for a change, eh, Ted?” Ralph silently prayed to himself that Ted’s reply would allow the conversation to blossom. 

“It is, sir.” 

_ Damn! So close and yet so far!  _

This wouldn't do. He would have to resurrect the conversation by any means necessary.

“Uh...quite. Seems almost a shame to be cooped up in a dark room watching a screen. Weather like this calls for picnics and cream tea on the lawn. A picnic worthy of Charles and Sebastian; ripe strawberries and good wine. I bought some really lovely pork pies the other day, Ted, from the Waitrose deli counter. Um...if you like, I can bring one to you tomorrow, or you could come up to the house for a bite to eat...if that’s what you want, Ted.”

"That's kind of you, sir.” 

Ted pulled into the car park and found a shady spot to park in. Ralph hopped out and smoothed the imaginary wrinkles in his jacket. He waited for Ted to get out and lock the car so he could walk alongside him. 

“Have you chosen the film, Ted?” 

“No, sir...I assumed it would be your choice.” 

“Oh no, Ted!” Ralph sounded genuinely surprised that Ted would make that assumption. “I’m sure I told you that you're welcome to make the final decision. Please, Ted, you can choose anything you like. Anything!”

“Alright, sir. Mark told me that  _ The Bloodening _ was particularly good."

_ "Excellent _ choice, Ted. Anyway, I think it shall be jolly to see a different kind of film for a change.”

***

Ralph came to regret this about half an hour later when he and Ted had found their seats and were just getting settled in to watch  _ The Bloodening  _ after endless trailers for what seemed like equally gruesome films _. _ Oh, what he wouldn't give to see Hugh Grant's tousled hair and charming smile right now! Ralph wasn’t fond of horror at all, and held a very strong belief that blood and guts should stay  _ inside  _ one's body. Father had ridiculed him for being so soppy and pathetic, so Ralph was understandably anxious about showing this fear in front of other people. And even though Ted was the kindest, gentlest person he knew, Ralph still couldn’t shake his doubt. As the lights dimmed, he hoped to himself that the film wasn’t that scary. He could always go to the loo and pretend to get locked in if things on screen got too unbearable for him. A failsafe plan!

Ralph looked over at Ted, who in turn was transfixed on the screen. Being inside, he had taken his hat off, and Ralph couldn't help but marvel at how lovely and soft his hair looked. Perhaps if he focused on Ted, he could take his mind off the horrors onscreen. But soon, it was too dark to see him properly, and Ralph was forced to turn towards the events taking place on screen. 

***

It seemed like an eternity had passed- an eternity filled with blood curdling screams and more severed fingers than Ralph had ever hoped to see in his whole life. Yet a quick glance at his watch told him only 25 minutes had passed since he last checked. Surely it couldn't get much worse than this? 

Ralph regretted asking himself this. It could get worse. Much worse. The villain of the piece had devised a special gun which shot pins into people's eyes. Surely this was a bit much, Ralph thought, after the scene where the protagonist had to walk across broken glass bare-footed in order to reach his girlfriend. And the scene before, in which a minor character had to swim through a vat of acid to find a key so he could escape...Ralph didn't even want to dwell on it. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying not to imagine what it would feel like if someone jabbed him in the eye with a foreign object, but he could still hear the voice of the killer, Jenga, or whatever his name was. He took off his jacket and hid behind it, letting the comforting smell of tweed wash over him.

On the other hand, Ted was thoroughly enjoying himself. In the brief flashes of light, Ralph could see his face, illuminated, his facial expressions willing the protagonist to succeed. This was one of the rare moments where Ted let his guard down, didn't hide behind mumblings of "I wouldn't know about that, sir." If only he could always be like this, Ralph thought, not worrying about saying the wrong thing or keeping well behind social boundaries. Ralph knew this side of Ted existed; he'd watched from afar when Ted was in the pub with his mates. Years of social expectations and rigid class differences couldn't be unlearned in a day, but how Ralph wished, oh, how he wished that he too could laugh with Ted, joke with Ted, buy him a drink without feeling like a complete and utter fool, hold Ted…-

He was glad for the darkness of the theatre; Ralph could feel his face flush, and he turned away from Ted, oblivious Ted, who was still gazing at the screen. Ralph rubbed his face, his eyes coming back into focus just as another onscreen corpse fell to the ground, clutching its chest. 

"I can't… I can't do this anymore, Ted."

_ Shit.  _ Ralph hadn't meant to say that out loud, and he certainly didn't want the entire room to hear it. The people in the seats behind  _ shhh _ -ed him with an almighty force. 

Ted whispered back. "The worst of it's over now, sir. Look, the detectives are here to catch the killer."

_ That wasn't what I meant, Ted. I can't keep fucking doing this, dancing around the point, never saying what I want to say and feeling like a miserable failure afterwards. I can't keep avoiding my feelings, like the coward I am. _

_ You can just tell me, Ted, and I'll never bother you again, I promise. I'll find someone else to look after the grounds, even. Really, I'm sorry to have overstepped my boundaries like this. I am your employer after all, first and foremost.  _

But Ralph simply put his head in his hands, defeated.

Ted reached to pat him on the back, tentative at first, but slowly growing comfortable enough to rub small circles on Ralph’s back. 

They stayed like this for the rest of the film. 

***

"What did you think of that then, sir?" Ted asked as soon as they got out into the fresh air. 

Ralph blinked, images of mangled limbs still burnt into his brain. "Erm...it was certainly  _ different _ ."

"I didn't think it was possible for a film to cram in so many plot twists. I need a drink, sir." 

Ralph pondered for a moment. He could invite Ted back for a drink and spend more time with him. Ah, but Ted had probably had had enough of him for today. Ralph resigned himself to a quiet night in by himself, watching something mindless on the telly and turning in early for the night. He was surprised, then, at what Ted suggested. 

"Why don't we go to the pub tonight, sir? Have a meal, a few drinks. They have a quiz tonight, I think. We could get a few of the lads round and be a team. Cause, Simon, you see, is always awful at the music round. To be honest, we all are. But with you on our team, sir, we might stand a chance." 

"I…" Ralph mulled this over. A night out with Ted 

"Look, sir, I can tell you're a bit rattled after that film. Stupid of me to choose it really, when I know you'd've much preferred the other one. So let me make it up to you, eh?" 

"Thank you, Ted . But really, there's no need to apologise. It does us good to step out of our comfort zones from time to time, doesn't it?" 

"You're right there, sir. And maybe I would enjoy a Hugh Grant film after all." 

"Speaking of that, Ted, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to say to you…”

**Author's Note:**

> i have been working on this on and off for AGES but its finally here and completely different to what i set out to write.  
> of course ralph loves hugh grant. don't we all?  
> i still don't know how to end a fic. just imagine they walked off into the sunset together :")


End file.
